I’m about three months beyond my first blog entry, and emotionally back to where I started. In a recent conversation with a friend, I mentioned that as of late I have recognized in myself a lack of faith. In many ways I am still a nominally practicing Christian. But I have lost a real sense of a personal interaction with God. I have lost faith in the God who actually intersects with my daily life. I think what I’m longing for is not a new job or new life situation, but a new sense of calling. I’ve had my resume re-reviewed professionally, sent out a few resumes, gotten a few first round interviews, and  have approached a job search half heartedly.  It’s not a new situation I want (although I do want that too) but a renewed sense of wonder and passion.

I’ve tried a few new things over the past few months; even good things with mixed results. I’m  only 32, but I look back on my early twenties as a time that I had a sense of direction and purpose. I was certain God was going to use me for big things. I certainly didn’t become a Christian celebrity, leading 100’s or even 10’s to a redemptive path.  But to be sure, I saw God do some really amazing and providential things beyond my own capacity. I’m not sure where I lost that sense of purpose. Maybe it was at a small Charismatic church that took some bits of Scripture too far. Maybe it was just in the mundane-ness of my job. Maybe it was because the man I married was not walking with the Lord at all when we started dating three years ago.  (He is now saved and growing in godliness). Maybe it’s because I’m too far removed from the things that broke my heart for a way to offer hope. Maybe I was too radical then, doing things that didn’t fit who I created to be as a person.

I’m waiting for God to work, and I’m getting impatient. Isaiah 64:4 says “He acts on behalf of those who wait for Him.” I just don’t know if I’m waiting actively or waiting well at all.