It is not the healthy that need a doctor, but the sick…

1 Comment

NOTE: This piece was written about three years ago during a dark time in my life…

I keep thinking about cigarettes, worship music, and the thief on the cross. I don’t know that I really have anything together as a “Christian.” I always hoped and wanted to be one of those followers of Christ who just outwardly have things together. “They” say that those types of Christians have their own struggles too. You know, I love Jesus. I really do. I know I need a Savior…
I have done all the things good Christians do, like Bible college and missions trips and youth group. In my heart I know that not drinking or cussing or divorcing or cheating or lying are not the only things that makes one a good follower of Christ. I know that being in ministry is not the mark of a successful walk with God. But maybe religion has created an artificial picture of what good Christianity looks like. Sort of like the airbrushed digitally enhanced photos of models that no one can ever live up to because they just aren’t real, people. All the best we do is worthless without love anyway.
I can’t keep things together for long. I try hard and I succeed for awhile. I do well for a year or two. I walk into churches and worship and know the Bible and people trust me but after awhile I fall down in rather outwardly obvious ways. Nope, I’m not one of those people who struggles with internalizing anger or that sort of silent secretive sin. I’m the type that shows up on my former roommate’s doorstep (the one who kicked me out…) after 14 drinks at 4 am…Of course, that incident was many few years ago, but I have other examples.
Maybe I can blame it on a complicated genetic defect I have called phenylketonuria. It causes me to act extremely irrationally and impulsively when I have too much protein. Then again, maybe it is also just plain old sin.
I’m wandering somewhere on my spiritual journey right now. I know God is real and Jesus is my Savior and that the Bible is true. That’s about all I know today. I know God is there because I know that His power is perfected in my weakness. That’s what God says. Jesus saved the thief on the cross next to Him…a man who may not have done a damn good thing in his life. The man was saved at the last minute because he recognized who Jesus was. That’s all he ever did. No ministry, no church services, maybe nothing in his life that would ever cause anyone to respect him.
A few weeks ago, I was upset and hurt about something. It was late at night and I sat outside my apartment with a pack of cigarettes. (To clarify, I’m not a smoker–I was just that upset). My ipod was also with me. So I sat out there in the dark worshipping Jesus and smoking. Yes, both at the same time. And I felt the presence of God there for the first time in a long time. I felt Him letting me know everything was going to be ok. Maybe that’s all this is….just falling on Jesus completely and utterly in the midst of our mistakes.
The Bible is full of prostitutes and liars and cheaters and adulterers and thieves and murderers that were called people of faith. Sometimes in the church we pretend we are better than them. But we are not. We ARE them, just covered by God’s grace. I don’t have any answers. But neither does religion. And neither does anyone who pretends we can ever do this on our own. I will probably keep falling until the day I see Jesus. All I can do is pray that His grace helps me live out of the hope that one day I will.



Joshua 1:9

Leave a comment

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified, do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.

Walk toward God

Leave a comment

In the midst of all my busyness, I have forgotten that the gospel of Jesus is about relationship.  I attended a house church last night, where there was a sweet spirit of worship. The message was on repentance, and how our life goal is not just turning from one distraction and exchanging it for another, but about walking toward God. When one gets to the core of life, minor issues no longer become so major.

Stagnation and Paralysis

Leave a comment

Why am I writing this blog? Blogs by nature are fairly narcissistic. I  assume that like most normal humans,  I possess some level of narcissism, but I don’t generally like drawing attention to myself. I’m here because I have been stagnant in my life for too long. So much so that it’s left me paralyzed and gripped with an overwhelming sense of fear of trying things.  It’s not like I lounge around on the couch in my spare time doing nothing and live with some sort of social phobia. I have just been at my current job for far too long.  I dread going into work, knowing there is little to nothing to I can do about my situation immediately. I suppose many people would be envious of having anything to do in this economy.  But I’m doing sales, selling an outdated product with narrower and narrowing margins and a swiftly declining market. Add to the fact that I work for a no name small business with no marketing budget, and you get the picture that I spend most of my days receiving rejection from people. Why those factors don’t change is a different conversation entirely. I have been doing the same thing for six years. At some point one begins to internalize and personalize the negativity.

So I am here to try to do something different. Writing a blog about my internal struggles isn’t going to save my sense of self. I’m not expecting that. However, I can’t forget a statement from my boss, who himself is a fascinating person with incredible talent. He told me once that as an entrepreneur, he tries lots of different directions and paths all the time, assuming one of them will ‘pop’ at some point. I’ve heard that sentiment echoed by more than one successful person lately. Any way it turns out, the process itself should be stretching.

I’m trying writing. I’m fairly good at constructing sentences and think I might be more introspective and insightful when I have to digest and regurgitate my thoughts. Don’t worry, this isn’t the only new ”avenue’ I’m trying. I’m not expecting this to be anything more than a simple blog, but sometimes people’s ideas or simple attempts take on a life of their own and grow into something bigger than they imagined. I have always wanted to write semi-professionally, but have no experience (is that true of many bloggers?).  This blog is my practice step.  Even if the only thing I’m practicing is working on something that isn’t big and grand and perfect in the first try, or even the first month.  Maybe this will be therapeutic for me, or maybe it will be for you as well.  So thanks for taking this journey with me.  I hope I can update for you regularly.

My Target Market

Leave a comment

This blog is for women who want to know Jesus in some way and are searching to find the best expression of that in themselves.